I Miss You, But I Accept Your Absence

They tell me not to miss you, they tell me you aren’t even worth any amount of space in my mind. Are they right, maybe. Do you deserve any amount of space in my mind? No, not one centimeter worth. Realistically, their is not one person who has the right to tell you how to feel other than yourself. I am only human and there is nothing wrong with being in touch with my feelings. I own my body, and I’m entitled to every single part of it. As humans, we are meant to feel freely and wildly. Without self expression, we’re fucking robots. If I feel that I miss you, I don’t have to tell you, but I need to feel it. Fighting it won’t help me move forward nor will it make me feel any better. Being in touch with your emotions, that’s a battle truly won. I was strong enough to walk away from your bad, but I won’t sit here and fight away how your good made me feel. I am aware of the pain that you caused me and that you are no longer good for me, but I am also aware that I am a person capable of love and I refuse to run away from my compassion. There are many things I miss about you, but each and every one of them I can live without and will find in someone else.

I miss the way you looked at me, because when you were looking at me I know you were looking inside of my soul as I was yours. I miss the way you held my hand, something so simple gave me a sense of connection and safety. I miss the way you made me laugh, you were always so funny without putting anyone down. I miss looking at you from the passenger seat, you’ll never know the amount of time I spent looking at you without you noticing. I miss ending the day with your voice, it was my favorite sound at the time. I miss the way you kissed me when you were excited to see me, you grabbed my face hard enough for the both of us. I miss the way you smelled, I’ll never smell Old Spice the same way again. I miss seeing your name come up on my phone, even now, a part of me wishes it still would. I miss making plans with you, you made the thought of the future exciting rather than terrifying. I miss fighting with you, because making up with you was worth every painful second. I miss the way you were with my family, you don’t understand how important that was to me. I miss revisiting the first day we met, I thought I was so cool and you saw right through me (you were right). You were always so smart, I miss the things you would tell me about your job, you made me so proud. I miss the way you were in the beginning, I would do anything to take us back to that point. I miss the way you told me you loved me, I felt it every time. I miss the way you felt, you always fit so perfectly next to me. I miss you when I have my windshield wipers on when it’s not even raining. I miss you when an ambulance goes by and there’s no one to tell me what the emergency is just by the way the lights flicker. I miss discovering new places with you. But most of all I miss the way I used to miss you because missing you never hurt this bad before.

Here’s the thing about missing someone, you can’t control it. So miss them, cry for them, write it down, eat every piece of chocolate in sight. IT’S OKAY. The most important aspect is knowing that their was once something so special but accepting it is no longer present. So eat your body weight in froyo and scream your lungs out to Taylor Swift, it’s okay to fall down as long as you know when it’s time to pick yourself up.

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