Lost Mail

I never told you goodbye. Just because I didn’t say one word on the phone doesn’t mean I didn’t want to tell you how in love with you I was and how badly I needed you to stay. Just because I hung up without saying goodbye, doesn’t mean that I hate you. I hung up without saying goodbye, because I couldn’t say goodbye to you knowing it was going to be my last. If I said goodbye, it was over. In that moment, it was over for you, but it wasn’t over for me.
I didn’t chase you, but not because I didn’t want you anymore. No, that’s not it at all. I loved you, all of you, and even now I still have love for you. I told you from the get-go, if someone chooses to leave me, I would not chase them. I don’t think you wanted me to chase you. If you wanted me, you would have never left. Right? Why would you leave me if you wanted to be with me? You wouldn’t have. Just because I didn’t chase you doesn’t mean I didn’t think about it. I didn’t chase you, but I left the door open for you, in hopes that you would change your mind.
I never called. Did you ever wonder why I never called? Were you waiting for a call? I’ve thought about it more than once. There were more than a few words typed out that were never sent. I fear rejection, especially yours. I fear that if I say hello to you again, I’m at risk of another goodbye. I couldn’t bare another goodbye. I never called, because I couldn’t.
Are you curious if I’m ever thinking about you? I have, I do, and obviously I am right now. Of course, I wonder if you ever think about me too. There are times when I think about you, and I’m angry at you in my head. But, there are times I think about you simply because I miss you. Sometimes, something so small will make me think about you, and I’ll smile. Does that happen to you? Do you associate me with anger or are there times where you miss me too? I suppose that is something I will always wonder.
It really hurt me. Whether it was because I wasn’t prepared for it or because I had just fallen completely in love with you at the time, it hurt. Did you know that? I don’t think I ever really got the chance to tell you. It took me a little while, and maybe it took a second too long. I was in love with you, more than I had ever been in the time of knowing you. Did it hurt you too? I think about the pain you may or may not be in more than I think about you. I don’t want you to feel pain, but how else will I know if you ever cared the way you said you did.
There will always be things left unsaid, questions left unanswered and business left unfinished. Do yourself a favor…fill in the blanks, answer your own questions and start a new project. 

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